Never Think
by SmearedLipGloss
Summary: We’re Broken. We were once so strong. Where our promises meant something, where the words we spoke had the hope for the future


Never Think

Girl save your soul  
Go on save your soul  
Before it's to far gone  
And before nothing can be done

Cause without me  
You got it all  
So hold on  
Without me you got it all  
So hold on

Never Think- Robert Pattison

We're Broken. We were once so strong. Where our promises meant something, where the words we spoke had the hope for the future, the kisses erased anything from our past we needed to forget. Our embraces had the heat that I could only feel with you in my heart. But now you're gone. And the heat that you supplied to my heart is running out and my heart is turning numb. My feelings will fade, I will only see you as my past. Not my present or my future. I can't hold onto you anymore. I must break these chains you have relentlessly tied to my heart.

You've moved on and it kills me to know that no matter who I'm with, what I do, who I am it won't matter to you anymore. When I look into your eyes I won't see the fire I saw before. I will see the ice that has been replaced especially for me. The fire is now for someone else's gaze.

Our fate has been decided, we were not meant to be. The way our bodies mesh obviously doesn't mean anything to you anymore, the way I know all your secrets and emotions doesn't change what we are now.

My best friend is _the one_ now. That is just too wrong for me to think. The thought is just….just….not what it's supposed to be. I never wanted to follow the life my parents had planned out for me, but there was always one thing that I wanted to be the constant, the one thing that was important to me so I needed it to be there for me when I needed it most even though I wasn't there for you when you needed me most.

I am so sorry. I finally said it. Well of course it was too late but now you need to know that I mean it. I had always forgiven you from the moment I saw the look on your face when I walked through the doors of my house that fateful day that tore us apart. The fear, sadness, and realization of what was to become of us. The way you wouldn't let the tea roll down your cheeks. The way I had to harden my face to keep the vulnerability from showing in my eyes. The lump that I had felt in my throat when I didn't see you fight for me.

The first place that I went after our break-up was your house. Dorota told me that you were out for the night. Celebrating probably from finally being set free from my chains. I went to your room, and stood there for a while just looking at a place where I would never be welcome again. I sat on the bed where just the night before we had showed our physical chemistry for each other in the strongest way. But I couldn't sit on that bed and help but think of what _he _had done with you here. I went to your vanity and looked for the letter I had written you, I found it in your drawer _unopened. _Maybe it was better if you didn't really see it then you wouldn't see how much you had hurt me. I had one more letter left for you; I was planning on giving it to you tonight before I had the whole night planned out for you. So I went home with both letters and ripped them both in half, sealed them in another envelope and sent them to your house clearly representing what we were. I placed them in the mailbox outside my brownstone, and for the first time since we broke up, I smiled. But not a happy I ridded myself of the most important item I ever gave to you. No, it was a bitter smile knowing what irony finally is. That everything I've ever done is coming back to haunt me.

That night I didn't sleep. Not that I have been. But this time it wasn't a dream about our first time. It was just zooms on certain parts of your body. Your arms, legs, neck, fingers laced with mine, your lips on my neck, but the final part was your eyes they were pleading and laced with sadness. The look you gave me before I left my house today. The eyes just kept staring at getting closer but then zooming out so I could see all parts of your body. But you weren't in the attire I saw you in today. You were in the pink lace teddy that you wore the first time we were going to have sex, but ended with my confession. Your eyes now filled with tears glued into my mind. During that dream I finally realized all the expressions that you ever gave me. Your eyes filled with tears on both days when you needed me most and I ran out the door both times. I am a fuck-up, a failure, a waste of space. I am now realizing that.

The first time that I see you is on the steps of school after spring break. You head is pointed down at the ground and Serena is dragging you along beside her, when you look up at my face I can't help but harden my face not because I see you but because I see what I've done to you. I go to a group of guys from my lacrosse team while I am avoiding Chuck but I can't pay attention to them while you're in my presence. And when I turn my body to get a full look at you the yogurt falls on your gorgeous mocha locks and I wanted to run over to and hold you tight, to lull the pain of the new humiliation. But I stop myself knowing that I shouldn't do that after what you did to me. After you rush through the courtyard where we shared many morning kisses and greetings I am now in the position that you were in moments ago, looking at the ground pondering in my thoughts.

We meet in occasions where our "friends" need our help stealing glances each other in stories of the past, but other than that you are busy with your posse and SATS that you probably don't even think of me anymore, so when the wedding comes rolling in I hope to steal you for a dance to explain everything and say that I'm sorry, but you and Chuck are inseparable so there was no chance to look into your eyes once more, and get lost in your soul. There was no chance….

The day Bart dies I know this whole place will fall apart. Chuck, although he won't admit it needed his father to keep him motivated in his life but now there is nothing there for him. He forgets about Serena, Eric, you, and me. He forgets that no matter what he does he will have his friends. But when the funeral comes in we all sit in a limo together so fussing about getting him presentable for the ceremony. I can't help but reminisce when you used to tie my bowties and straighten my suit so I could look completely perfect next to you. But I also can't help but wonder if this is the limo. The limo that tore us apart. I then squirm in my seat but you don't notice my sour face and swift movement so I don't have to settle in one place.

When Chuck turns to leave at the party after the funeral of Bart I reached out for your skin stunned by the heat of your touch. Just feeling your skin for that one quick second still made my skin tingle and my lips tremble for your touch. But you break through my touch and wriggled out of my tight grasp. That was the 3rd time I watched you walk away from me when all I wanted was for you to stay close to me.

So, now I only left with the scent of you filling my nostrils, the softness of your skin on mine, and the way my stomach flutters when you look into my eyes reading me. But I know that you are no longer mine to think about because Chuck needs you and he loves you and you love him and I love you. We had our chance but every chance we had we ruined it. But the moments that we actually _were _are intact in my memory. So now when I'm with Vanessa I think of your red lips, and your lithe legs wrapped around me, your long fingers tangled in my hair. But mostly the way that you knew better than anyone else. You knew all my secrets, all my dreams and hopes. I knew yours but now they don't matter.

Save yourself, without me you have everything. Without me you can be happy, you can be yourself. Live your life without and I keep my place in this world staring endlessly at my ceiling hoping that one day I'll find you again.

_Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling; tell me baby where did I go wrong?_

_-__'Nothing Compares 2 U'__  
_**_Sinead O'Conno_**


End file.
